


A thousand books away

by Shirohime



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Friendship, Gen, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Panic Attacks, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-22
Updated: 2020-07-22
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:08:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25452916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shirohime/pseuds/Shirohime
Summary: Levi oversteps boundaries and discovers a well kept secret.
Kudos: 9





	A thousand books away

**Author's Note:**

> Kind of self-indulgent.

There were two reasons why Levi had never before stepped foot inside of Erwin's study: one being that they had had all their important fallouts caused by Levi cursing too much for the commander's liking outside or in a common space and the other reason being that _nobody_ ever entered Erwin's study. Aside from Hanji and Mike, the former simply bouncing in as she saw fit and the latter seemingly the only person officially cleared by Erwin to come inside. 

Levi didn't think he'd ever seen even a superior to the tall blonde step inside. Their meetings always arranged conveniently outside of it.

It went so far, that when Erwin was not within the room, he'd lock the door and carry the key inside the breastpocket of his crisp white shirt, the dark imprint visible just slightly through the fabric.

There wasn't a big rule that prohibited anyone from entering: after all it was corps grounds, not Erwin's. 

Yet everybody, including Levi, had apparently silently accepted the unspoken law and acted accordingly. 

It hadn't been an issue, really, before today. 

Levi had been part of the corps for a good year and the annual deep cleaning was on the to do list of everyone today. He was very pleased that, for once, he wasn't the one running around having to nag everyone into at least keeping things tidy enough to be decent. 

And so, with a vigor filled by an extraordinarily good mood, Levi had taken to scrubbing his own room, then the hallway, then decided to just keep cleaning the arches of the doors and the window frames that the others not-so-subtly ignored. 

Levi's cleaning had brought him here. 

In front of the dark, sturdy oak door that led to Erwin's study and his private sleeping quarters. 

The commander was to return today, late in the evening, and Levi was in such a good mood that he considered being a nice person and cleaning Erwin's desk. As hard as the blond man worked, surely his study and bedroom where a complete mess, if not with dirt then with rolls of paper and ink stains and worn clothing. 

Yes. That had to be the reason. 

Why else would only Erwin's most trusted and oldest friends be allowed entry?

Levi scoffed. Of course the big oaf was messy. 

So tidy and clean and pristine as he showed himself to the outside, there just had to be a catch. Why were all men such pigs? 

But, Levi reminded himself, he was in a good mood, and he'd take a wager and dare to clean the room whilst Erwin was still gone: a gift of gratitude for smearing honey around the mouths of all the nobles who funded them.

A grim smile of dedication on his face, Levi braced himself for the worst and stepped onto a lone chair to retrieve the second key from atop the doorframe (A drunk Hanji was much more pliable to give answers than a sober one).

Nobody stopped the raven, no sirens started blaring, and Levi exhaled a breath he hadn't realized he'd held in.

Erwin's study was a magnificent thing. 

The entirety of the walls were covered with book shelves, one door in the back leading to his sleeping quarters.

The floors were shining as much as old wood could, a soft homey feeling emitting from the worn floorboards. 

In one corner stood Erwin's working desk, a massive thing of the same wood as the floor and just as clean. 

Levi's enthusiastic steps faltered. 

Turning once around himself, he couldn't make out a single speck of dirt, of dust or grime. The cushions on the slightly offset couch on the right side were all fluffed, there was not a hint of butt-indentation on the couch.

So Levi had been wrong. 

Erwin wasn't a slob - though there was still a chance his bedroom would be an absolute mess but Levi wasn't ready to cross that line yet - and it impressed the short man. 

As much of an asslicker as Erwin could be, with all his false smiles and vacant eyes, with all the unfair treatment of corps members that the commander solved in ways even Levi found dubious (once he'd seen Erwin let a noble woman feel up his biceps and she had definitely had a lustful glint in her eyes), at least Erwin was tidy. 

It gave him a point of the positive kind in Levi's books.

However that may be, awkwardness crawled up Levi's heels now. 

He'd entered this room with the intent to clean it, had made that his reason for invading the privacy of his _superior_ who had done more than a lot to keep this room off limits.

"Fuck", he muttered to himself

Sure, Levi could just leave and put the key back in its place. 

But somehow he had the suspicion Erwin would know.

Biting his lower lip, thinking, Levi scanned the room for a single thing out of order that could give him the validation - weak as it may be - to have come inside. 

What he found was no dirt or anything a normal person would find out of place; the books on the shelves were... Not sorted in any way he could think of and it irked Levi.

As ridiculous of a reason as it would be to tell Erwin he'd come in here to sort books, the irregular pattern had the raven frown in concentration. 

He was already going through different sorting methods, filtering out which might be most efficient for Erwin, then began to pull out books and stack them on the couch, on the floor and the desk, to reorganize them.

Levi lost himself in the calming waves that came with repetitive actions such as cleaning and organizing. 

He didn't notice the sun setting slowly, didn't notice a curious cadet sticking his head through - summoned by the low humming song Levi rumbled to himself absentmindedly. 

"What are you doing?"

The voice cut through the calm, colder than the coldest winter day, colder than lying on frozen cobblestones starving for food.

Levi jerked out of his trance. 

In the doorframe stood Erwin Smith, the setting sun giving his golden hair the aura of an avenging god of old, copper bleeding into angelic blond. 

So stunned was Levi that he opened and closed his mouth like a fish on dry land, lost for words. One book in each hand, he was standing on the couch - in just his socks, his boots stood neatly next to the desk- and felt utterly stupid and small in that very moment.

"What. Are. You. Doing", Erwin repeated in a hiss. 

There was a frantic energy crackling along his frame, those big hands of his clenching and unclenching in what was undoubtedly anger, if not rage, Levi thought. 

"I'm sorting your books", he croaked out weakly, waving the books in his hands for emphasis.

When Erwin didn't answer, he babbled on: "I couldn't see any pattern in the shelves so I thought I'd put them so you'd be able to most efficiently find the ones you need -", he jumped off the couch feeling like a dog being chastised and Erwin wasn't even speaking, "look, I put the ones on war strategy and formations closest to your desk and the poetry books higher up -"

The words got stuck in his throat when Levi glanced over to his commander and realized Erwin was shaking. Shaking like a leaf, eyes frantically analyzing all of the remaining bookstacks on the floor as well as the still partially empty shelves. 

Oh gods, Levi had really fucked up, hadn't he?

"Commander?", he dared to inquire.

He could handle rage, could handle being thrown out of the entire military over this, what he couldn't handle was this unnatural stillness that slowly locked Erwin's body into place. 

When the taller man spoke, it wasn't wrath or even disappointment on his tongue but the horror of a man looking death right in the eye.

"Get Mike. Or Hanji", Erwin demanded in a tone so alien it chilled Levi to the core. 

Levi had the impression of watching the blond unravel right in front of him like a badly knitted sweater, soon to be only a pile of yarn on the ground that'd take ages to detangle. 

"It's just books. Look, I know I overstepped by entering but I thought I'd do this for you as a thanks for-" 

Erwin wasn't even listening. 

There was a sheen of dullness creeping over those cerulean blue eyes, a drop of blood dripping down his knuckles where he'd pressed his nails into his palms too much. 

And Levi knew that dread. That dread that suffocated everything inside the room. 

And he didn't waste any more questions but hurried out of the room, giving a court "ok" to the man still towering in the doorframe. 

He found Mike first, lazing about under a giant tree, dozing. 

Levi kicked Mike's boot with his still just socked foot (and didn't that send his own mind spiraling to places he didn't want to be at). 

"Mike. Erwin needs you. I think I messed him up", he said. 

The giant of a man had his usually non-caring gray-blue eyes sharpened on Levi within half a heartbeat. 

There were no questions asked about what the hell Levi was on about, which just confirmed the raven's suspicions. 

"Where?", came the gruff tumble from Mike. 

"His study." 

\-----------

Many things in Erwin's life had been out of his control. 

From a young age he'd learned to be pleasant and not stand out, to be exemplary only where it didn't threaten a more powerful man's position. 

He learned to swallow his fears and think with a head full of logic so cold it burnt those who got to see it in action. 

He'd damned thousands upon thousands, sent them to their certain deaths knowingly.

In his way, Erwin always had control. 

He decided, he chose not to choose, he hid behind a mask when his own self couldn't be sufficient. 

But there was one flaw in this contraption he'd built his life upon. One flaw that reared its ugly head whenever Erwin was too stressed, when exhaustion made him slow to react to his own emotions. 

Today had been long. Too long, and Erwin had wanted to get into bed and stare at the ceiling to count the cracks in them before he fell asleep. 

His private quarters were his safe space. 

A fortress he'd begun to construct long before he'd been announced commander, a space where he had absolute control, no questions asked. 

It was why he kept it locked up whenever he went out, it was why nobody was granted entry. 

His need to control everything had crippled him when he was younger, had made most jobs impossible to hold down and so his only way had been to join the corps where he had learned to compress the most disturbing of his traits to within the walls of his sleeping chambers. 

And now that sacred room had been entered without his consent, without his _knowledge_ even and it broke something inside of him that had been fragile for a long time. 

Erwin was beyond anger, beyond rage or wrath. An emptiness swallowed him from the inside, a void that screamed at him to right things. 

Nothing else mattered. 

The problem was, Erwin didn't know how to right this. 

His books had been sorted first by the amount of vowels inside of them and secondly by their amount of ripped or dog-eared pages. 

It had taken Erwin years to go through them all. 

Years. 

All gone now. His entire work. His control gone with it. 

He didn't know how to cope, couldn't turn away or walk just one step further into the room. 

Erwin Smith, master strategist and fearless leader in a war against beasts bigger than any threat humanity had faced before then, was coming undone. 

A sharp biting pain jabbed into his mess of thoughts. 

But it was Mike's voice that helped him find back to his body, still standing stiff like a broomhandle. 

He was too far gone to understand the words Mike formed, but the familiar rumble was a grounding presence. 

Mike pried open Erwin's hands, the pain yelping even when all Erwin did was take a sharp inhale. 

"I'll get you to Hanji, first, have her bandage you up. Then we can put the books back. I know how they were placed. And if I get it wrong Hanji will know for sure", the taller male was rambling in a low voice. 

Stumbling, Erwin let Mike usher him away. Away from the mess his most guarded place had become. And although it should mean that Erwin could breathe easier with every step taken farther away, the image of the stacked books was burned into his brain. 

He kept contemplating how he could've avoided this, kept on packing onto himself for being so careless as to even let a second key exist even when logically he knew a second key was a proper thing to have. 

The bite of alcohol on his palms broke through his panicked overthinking. 

Hanji was rambling, too, Erwin realized. 

She was mumbling something and Mike would mumble back and as she treated his wounds, slowly their mumbling began to make sense again. To be words and sentences instead of noise. 

The void of nothingness inside of him, began to dissipate and turn into massive exhaustion and frantic panic that had Erwin gulp in air as though he was being suffocated. 

His limbs tingled, tears unshed but clouding his vision. 

He was so tired. Yet he couldn't stop thinking. 

His mind was going a hundred miles a second. 

He had lost control. And he needed to reclaim it. 

The urge to control something, _anything,_ overtook his ability to reason.

Strong hands landed on his shoulders. 

"Erwin", Mike muttered, grounding him. 

"Do you want the white bandages of the tan ones?", Hanji asked casually, as though she hadn't picked up on the shift in the commanders posture that signaled the next stage of this flaw, this ruthless repetition that came unannounced and left only debris in its wake that Erwin had to painstakingly put back together again later. 

"-ve got red ones with hearts on them, too, if you want those", Hanji continued, desperate to keep him engaged. 

"Tan", Erwin choked out, hoarse as though he'd been screaming. Maybe he had. 

Hanji hummed, pleased. 

The shaking was back, but it was only in his hands now, and Hanji kept those mercifully steady. 

"I didn't know. I wasn't prepared", he managed to say. 

"Of course not. You cannot always be prepared. That's what we're here for, Erwin", Mike replied. 

That steady calm voice. 

Erwin leaned back against Mike, not for the first time more than grateful for his friends.

"Im sorry" 

Hanji twinkled up at him from where she was sitting in front of him, one of her signature crazy smiles splitting her mouth. But Erwin could see the strain in it.

"Don't apologize. We've gotcha, sugarcakes", the brunette chirped. 

She knew better than to touch him now that she had bandaged his hands, but Mike hugged Erwin from behind for both of them, his solid frame another grounding. 

There was a sadness in the shaggy haired man's voice when he hummed an affirmative. 

Erwin knew he'd have to make sure to have them be aware of the extent of his gratitude. 

His mind was calming down, as long as he didn't think about his study, and he took a couple of deep breaths, fumbling to put his mask of commander back into place. It didn't work as well as it usually did, there were cracks visible if one knew how to spot them; the shaking in his hands didn't stop and he didn't trust his voice to carry authority. 

"I cannot go back", Erwin mourned, "not now. Not with the way it is now." 

"Hanji and I will put them back just as they were before. You stay in my room for tonight, okay? You have free reign." 

The words, silly as they may seem to an outsider, meant more than anything to Erwin. It meant Mike gave up control over his rooms for this one night. 

It meant Erwin was free to claim that control over Mike's room, to organize it as he pleased even though there was never much to organize in Mike's room. 

A muttered thank you later, the commander let Hanji give him a steaming cup of lavender tea and watched his friends walk out, to fix the mess that had sprung upon him. 

Erwin would sit here in Hanjis room for a while and drink the tea. Then he'd head to Mike's room, bypassing dinner and any conversations. 

He'd put on new bed sheets, refold Mike's entire wardrobe and water the flowers on Mike's windowsill.

He could work with that. 

Yes. A plan. Control. 

Erwin chose to choose, chose what to choose and decided his own fate. 

He was in control, he was the commander. 

With the lavender working to calm his mind and nerves, Erwin Smith's mask slipped back into place fully, leaving no evidence aside from the wounds of half moons cut deep into each palm of his. 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm imagining both Levi and Erwin to have a form of OCD, rooted in different circumstances and with different symptoms. Which is why Levi recognizes what is going on, even though he doesn't recognize the trigger.


End file.
